Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
