so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
