don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
