I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
false alarm, still single
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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