went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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