paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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