Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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