Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
