good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
