The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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