i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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