from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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