I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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