That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
