Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
