Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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