Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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