I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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