Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
