Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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