I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
