the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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