did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
