I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
