Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
