This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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