haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
