oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
