before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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