tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
