This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
