and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
