So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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