I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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