Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
