I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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