The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
