I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
