ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
