I've blown a few things in my day
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
