just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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