Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
