I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
