My first STD was from a foam party
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
