went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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