if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
