When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sorry about my life...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
