I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
