I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
