Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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