Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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