First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
